The Norwalk Reflector
State Fair Not, In fact, Best State Fair In State.
By Aaron Krause
Last Thursday, the lights ironically went down for good on one of The Huron Playhouse’s brightest beacons of hope and truth. In a tragic turn of events, shrouded in doubt only befitting a Murder Mystery (which I’ve been assured he would never wish to direct), Jim Williams, 51, of Winona, MN, was bludgeoned to death with an as yet undetermined object, as the overture played for his own show.
“Beacon?” questioned retired choral director, Marty Smith. “You just be sure to mention I never said that.” (Community member Sue Shamhart assures The Reflector that it was only the grief talking).
Beacon or no, since his absence, a dark cloud has settled over the quaint resort town, frequently dubbed A Great Lake Place! on what appear to be reliable and honest road signs. “It’s too late in the season for a swarm of mayflies, so I suppose it must be sadness. Or a cold front,” observed local resident, Frank Glann, continuing to walk to his car, “Well, either way, I should be going.” (This portion of the interview was cut short when Dr. Glann dove into a grouping of well manicured hedges, possibly to avoid further questioning). Until recently, the town, situated on the gentle grey shores of Lake Erie, was a quiet community, where anyone would equally love to retire, or raise a family (or alpacas). But not anymore.
According to eyewitnesses in the box office, there had been several altercations in the ticketing area shortly before Dr. Williams’ untimely demise. A group from the Norwalk Red Hat Society had shown up one hour prior to curtain, demanding a refund for members unable to attend. “They were pretty adamant,” recalls ticket agent Jimmy Wilson. “I tooootally tuned them out when they started b***hing about the heat and wanting to sit in the air conditioned theatre. I mean, it’s July. Take off your hat and scarf, maybe…? ANYWAY, Jim was trying to block the doors. It was like, him against 10 women in red hats, and I was all like, ‘LOLZ’.” Apparently, the LOLZ-ing was tragically premature. The suspects stormed out in flurry of resentment and Chanel No. 5, presumably for good. But as the lobby lights turned black, so did their rage. “I noticed the group was sitting outside on those nice stone benches,” recalled Dr. Ron Ruble. “Then a purple van pulled up with about 15 more, and I’ll tell you, hats were flying as they heard what happened to the first set. Had I known at the time that they were reinforcements, I would’ve waited to bring the cash box back to the office.” By the time he returned, Jim was lying in a heap over the herb planters, only recognizable by his crisp lilac shirt and skull ring, as screeching tires were heard on Jim Campbell Blvd.
According to Sandusky CSI, footprints indicate the victim was surrounded, presumably as he unchained the outer doors during the curtain speech. As the speech typically ranges anywhere from 3 to 20 minutes, T.O. D. (time of death) could be narrowed down to approximately 8:12 pm, due to blunt force trauma. However, no murder weapon was left on the scene. “Surrounded? How Braveheart! Excuse me,” exclaimed playhouse alum, Chris Conley, clutching an envelope as she rushed past the EMT’s to be seated 15 minutes after curtain. When later asked what the envelope contained, she replied tearfully, “A whole lot of irony.” (A strikingly similar envelope was seen peeking out from the neckline of Managing Director, Jann Glann’s print dress.)
Investigators did notice irregularities in the placement and lean of a lead historical marker on the front lawn. However, they determined that no human, or group, could have removed it, struck the victim, and replaced it in the time that Dr. Ruble claims to have been gone. “There is one who could,” interrupted Music Director, Kerry Glann, seeming to appear from nowhere. “Steve Boone.” Boone, former Technical Director, and Tallest Vegetarian in the Tri-State Area 16 years running, has been known by many to lift such cumbersome items as a drill press and wood lathe with no assistance. “It’s a thing of beauty,” sighed local baritone, John Glann. “In times of struggle, be it furniture moving or discovering my life path, I often ask myself, ‘WWSBD?'” He then pulled out a pendant from his shirt, displaying this mantra. It was discovered that Boone was in the audience that night, but was released after 15 hours of questioning revealed that his only involvement was replacing the marker after the fact. When asked why he didn’t report the body, he responded that he hadn’t noticed. “I have a one track mind, and when I sensed that the marker was out of place, my only goal was restoring order, and getting back to my aisle seat before it was stolen. I don’t even remember how long I was gone. I must have blacked out.” Further testing on the marker returned inconclusive results. “We found something like 35 different types of blood on this thing. I mean, I know there’s a guy who likes to give a ‘Tour of Death’, but what the hell’s been going on here?” exasperated Investigator Bacon exclaimed.
The Norwalk Red Hat ladies were apprehended the following day, but were in custody for only 3 hours due to a gross shortage of purple sheets, and immediate posting of bail raised by a last-minute, but phenomenally successful, bake sale. Lack of evidence has reduced the charges to Aggravated Assault While Overdressed.
Due to the impending end of the season, a hastily planned, but dignified, memorial service was held Saturday in the cafeteria of the McCormick School. Williams had provided a clause in his will after an earlier attempt on his life years earlier, that, should anything happen to him, he wished to have his ashes pressurized into a second blue cafeteria tray for the company. “I guess….it’s nice to have more than one, now,” sobbed Scenic Designer, Rex Stanforth, eyeing the stack of green trays. There had been a bit of a dispute when some former colleagues testified that they had heard Jim say he wanted to be taken to a taxidermist. However, this did not hold up as an oral contract and in the interest of time and not stealing the thunder of the stuffed Grizzly in the Saw Mill Creek Resort, these plans were short-lived. “Maggie could never have fit him in the display case, anyway,” explained Jim’s wife, Heather. “Besides, I know he’s happy knowing he can be a part of the company’s sustenance.”
Dozens of alumni filed in to pay their respects, and, as former Sound Designer, Fionnegan Murphy put it, “See it [Jim dead] to believe it.” In honor of his last show, State Fair, a quartet sang ‘Sweet Hog of Mine’ in costume as the mourners lined up for their memorial grilled cheese and tomato soup, with tater tots. “Jim loved tater tots,” chuckled lead actor, Geoff Stephenson, fondly, as he glanced down at the gleaming Jim tray. “It’s an honor to be the first to eat off of you, buddy. I can almost hear him giving me notes.” Stephenson’s expression immediately changed, and he left the interview to cover the tray with salad. Former company member, Ryan Burkett, expressed remorse as he waited for a second helping. “I woke up the other night with this gnawing fear, certain that something horrible was going to happen to Jim, but…then I figured I was just hungry or something, so I made a sandwich and forgot. I’ll never be hungry again. Hey, kid, keep those tots coming.”
After dinner, underscored by local bassist, Chris Bert, a scene from Jim’s favorite play, Steele Magnolias, was reenacted by alumnus Missy Aguilar and Kandis Wean, reprising their roles of Truvy and Oiuser, respectively. “Thank God we kept the wigs,” breathed Aguilar, flushed with excitement. “I know this is sad, but I feel really good about how that went. Best we ever did, Kandis!” (This statement was then followed by high-fives). After a dessert of chocolate pudding, it was announced that porcelain giant Precious Moments had created a new collectable in honor of its best customer. A tiny, carefully crafted replica of Jim with his clipboard, three cats at his feet, and glasses on his head, was revealed near the aloe plant on the window sill. Proceeds from the ‘Li’l Jim’ figurine will be donated to the Jim Williams Memorial Fund For Theatre Artists Who Sleep In Schools. “God, I hope I get it next year, “gushed company member, Nate Huntley. “I could really use some Pringles and new sheets. Oooh, maybe Star Wars!” Former company member, Amy Hunsaker, walked off in disgust. “I had to build my own *&$# walls, for *%$# sake. Forget this; I’m going to check the bathroom.” Another former member, Shaina Vencel, looked after Amy in sympathy. “This must be hard for her. I mean, we all feel a little guilty. Heck, things may have been different if only the Quonset hut were high enough to cause some real damage. I mean…not that….well, you’d understand if you ever worked here. Excuse me, I think I need more pudding.” The service ended in a full circle of all attendants, ‘passing the pulse’ in silence, followed by the entire congregation yelling, “BLUE TRAY!” in unison.
Jim is survived by his beautiful wife, Heather, and their three cats, Morgan, Emma, and Lucy. “I told her, anything she needs, she’s got it,” said aspiring sailor, Mark Koch, as he peeled the backing from his sailboat, the Still Crazy, to reveal its new name, Still Jim-zy. “Jim loved puns,” he whispered, wiping a single tear from his cheek. Williams’ ongoing memory will not only live on in sporting goods, however. I’m told that former Advanced Directing student, J. Michael Bestul, of Chicago, will be producing a black box production of An Inspector Calls in the fall. “It took 10 years, but I finally understand that play. I think I still have the paper somewhere…” Huron Playhouse will also be remounting the show that Jim often referred to as his star vehicle, Annie. “What?!” exclaimed former title character, Lara Manier, upon being handed a guest artist contract and Ace bandage. “I’m 26, come on!!”
Be it by tray, production, boat, or psychologist bills, Jim Williams will live on forever. And ever. With a persistence not unlike his own determination to jog at 6:30am. Those wishing to be spectators in the trial of the Norwalk Red Hat Ladies may do so. However, a recent motion for Change of Venue (due to difficulty finding an impartial jury) has caused an indefinite delay in the proceedings. Godspeed, Jim Williams, and may flights of penguins sing thee to thy rest.
